The Engima that is Dean Winchester
by SophieSaulie
Summary: Castiel learns of Dean's time in Hell with Alistair and finds himself understanding more about Dean and himself.


**The Enigma that is Dean Winchester**

Castiel watched as Dean ran in front of him. He had to admit, that for a human, he was lightening fast, but all he could think about was how unnecessary the action was. Nothing could hurt him, at least nothing earthly, and yet here was Dean Winchester, a human whose mortality was immutable, rushing in to save him. He felt Dean's push and being in a human host, subject to its limitations, he began to fall, but as he did, he watched Dean take the sweep of the blade of the demon's sword to his shoulder and just as quickly he imparted the death blow to the demon with Ruby's knife. The demon dissolved, leaving the dead host in its wake. Castiel recovered his footing and went over to Dean. He glanced at the wound and though it was not life threatening, it was deep, bleeding heavily and again, to Castiel's amazement, Dean barely trembled with pain, but Castiel knew it needed to be treated quickly before blood loss brought unconsciousness. He lifted Dean onto his shoulder, Dean stiffening in his grasp the only sign that he was hurt at all. He slowly walked him back into the motel where Sam was waiting.

"You didn't have to do that, you know," Castiel said, not ungratefully, but practically. "I'm impervious to harm."

Dean looked over and grinned a little. He knew that Castiel wasn't being harsh.

"You're welcome," Dean said back.

Castiel flashed a quick and small smile in response. When he brought him to Sam, Sam became instantly concerned.

"What happened?"

"He tried to save me," Castiel said matter of factly as he sat Dean down on a nearby bed.

"Yeh, remind me not to do that again," Dean joked as he grunted and hissed.

"The wound's pretty deep. I'll get the patch kit," Sam said as he began to dig around his duffle.

"I'm sorry your efforts has caused you injury," Castiel said.

"Don't lose sleep over it, Cas. It's okay," Dean smiled.

Castiel noticed that Dean was drifting into unconsciousness and helped lay him down on the bed.

Sam came back and noticed that Dean had lost consciousness. He was relieved that Dean had. It would be easier to work on him, to sew the stitches knowing Dean wouldn't be feeling any pain.

"I don't understand," Castiel said.

"Understand what?" Sam asked as he began working on Dean.

"He knows that we can't be harmed and yet he placed himself in great danger. Why?"

Sam could only smile and shake his head.

"That's Dean. It's a reflex with him. Dive in first, deal with the consequences later."

"But as I said –"

"It's instinct for him," Sam said again.

As he threaded the needle through the wound, Sam looked over at Castiel.

"I know. Dean told me. About what happened to him in Hell, about what he did there," Sam said quickly.

Castiel nodded.

"Can I ask you something?" Castiel asked.

"Sure."

"Why does he feel he doesn't deserve to be saved? He was chosen by God to fight this war."

Sam paused for a second and then resumed sewing.

"Dean is…hard on himself. He has expectations, high expectations and when he doesn't meet them he thinks he's failed. When he agreed to Alistair's terms, he felt he betrayed everything he believed in. By torturing those other souls, he became a monster in his own eyes."

"And you? What do you see?"

Sam looked over at his sleeping brother and smiled.

"My brother."

He continued working on Dean. When he finished, he poured some whiskey over the wound and put a large dressing on it.

"Can I ask you something now?"

Castiel just silently waited.

"Why did you leave the memories of Hell with Dean? Wouldn't he be better off without them? It seems cruel to have him relive them," Sam asked.

"It didn't occur to us that it would damage him so greatly."

"What? I don't understand."

"You said it yourself, Sam. He feels he's become a monster by doing something he couldn't have prevented no matter how strong he was. Hell destroys. Plain and simple and Alistair is second only to Lucifer in exacting torment. In my blind reasoning, I just expected him to take his resurrection as a gift and I suppose forget the rest. Forgive himself as he was forgiven, but I was mistaken. Your brother…he's different."

Sam laughed at Castiel's seriousness making the statement.

"And what was your first clue?"

"Until you explained it, I couldn't understand why he thought he didn't deserve saving. Now I do. When he was left with the memories, we didn't expect them to drive his actions as they have. He's seeking redemption when it's not necessary. He has already been redeemed."

Sam's smile left his face.

"Not in his eyes. Probably never will be in his eyes. He felt he should have been stronger, that he shouldn't have given in. No amount of talk will convince him otherwise. No amount of forgiveness, not even from me. He'll just keep driving himself harder and harder, saving people. There'll be no amount of saving that will ever free him of the guilt, but it will help him deal, live with what he's done."

Sam looked at Dean again.

"Now, I know what he meant about that slippery slope. He's been there and doesn't want me to fall like he thinks he has."

Castiel remained silent. He knew that saying more would only cause Sam to get angry if he knew that they had believed Sam **would** fall without Dean to guide him. Sam was precariously closer to his darker destiny than he or Dean knew. Castiel hoped that Dean would get through to Sam.

**oooo**

Hours later, Sam had fallen asleep as Castiel stood watch over them both. Suddenly, he heard Dean moan and noticed that he was damp with perspiration. There was pain in Dean's voice and he saw his hands fisted.

"No, no, you can take your offer and shove it, you bastard!" Dean yelled out which awakened Sam.

"What? What's wrong?"

"I think he's hallucinating," Castiel said.

"And feverish," Sam said noticing the perspiration and then feeling how hot Dean felt to his touch. "Damn it, he has an infection. I've got to get some antibiotics for him. I'll be back as soon as I can."

Sam put on his jacket and rushed out of the room. Castiel looked over again and noticed that Dean was sobbing.

"I'm sorry, Sammy…I couldn't hold out…I couldn't do it anymore…"

Dean began to thrash, his hands and arms moving as if they were holding something in them.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!" Dean cried as he kept moving his hands in ways that Castiel couldn't figure out. "SHUT UP ALISTAIR!! You may have won by getting me here, but what I do is my own choice, you don't get that. I WON'T give you that!"

Castiel was taken by surprise. He hadn't known the details of Dean's actions in Hell, just his decision. He was now seeing that though Dean had given in from the torture, unable to escape what he would have to do to the other souls for his freedom, if anyone could call it that, he had still fought back Alistair, he had still resisted falling completely. Dean was begging forgiveness of the souls he was torturing, knowing he would get no absolution, but needing to keep the threads of his humanity and his sanity intact by reaching out to them.

Dean then went silent except for his ragged breathing. His body quieted a little, but still trembled with pain, fever, and anguish. Castiel put a hand on Dean's sweat drenched shoulder and was surprised to see Dean open his eyes.

"Cas?" Dean said, this throat dry and hoarse.

Castiel got a glass of water and helped Dean up to drink. The heat radiated from Dean's body.

"Where's Sam?"

"He went to get antibiotics. You have an infection."

"You think?" Dean joked weakly.

"Rest, Dean," Castiel said as he laid him back down onto the bed.

Dean looked over and knew that Castiel had heard everything.

"You heard, I guess," Dean paused. "I worry about Sam finding out someday."

"Dean, you did nothing wrong. You were driven to the end of human endurance, beyond it. There is no weakness in that."

"I gave up, Cas. I let Alistair beat me and I hurt…no, I destroyed so many souls…"

"No, Dean, you relented to the pain, but not to evil. You didn't give Alistair what he really wanted. Your humanity."

"How is it human to torture souls like I did? Only a monster does that."

"You gave each soul compassion, Dean. Compassion that came from your soul."

"You should have heard them, Cas…I…" Dean's voice was cracking with the strain of his emotions. "I…didn't give them compassion. All I did was give them false hope. Telling them I was sorry, it was all just to make me feel better. Not them."

Castiel watched Dean continue to resist his attempts at absolving him and was both stunned and confused that Dean would refuse it. Any human would welcome absolution, to be able to live guilt free. Yet, he was also finding Dean's conviction admirable. In spite of Dean's pain, there was strength there, adhering to his belief of right and wrong. Dean would always view what he had done as wrong, hurting any innocent was wrong. It was purely black and white to Dean. You did no harm to anyone who didn't deserve it. Castiel found himself envying Dean's certainty even if it was causing him pain. After what had happened to Anna, Castiel was becoming even more conflicted about his own beliefs, his own devotion. Dean, at least, was living true to his beliefs. Unduly punishing himself, yes, but in a way that wasn't compromising his actions with what he felt would have been false forgiveness. He was holding himself accountable, applying his own judgment to the crimes he had committed. Could Castiel say the same about his actions? He didn't think so.

"Dean –"

"Tell me one thing, Cas…am I going back to the pit? Is this just a 'stay of execution'?"

Castiel looked into Dean's eyes and was shocked by the question.

"Dean, you've been redeemed and forgiven so no, you won't be sent back to Hell."

Dean just nodded and Castiel could have sworn that Dean had looked almost disappointed. Dean then closed his eyes and fell back asleep.

**FIN. Hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading!**


End file.
